Every morning I try and talk to God and Mother Nature about what I’m feeling and ask that these feelings go with my Higher Power.
Let me explain a little before I go into too much detail. I recently had a mental break – a psychosis of sorts and I went to rehab for abusing my prescribed medicine – while there I felt like a “lab rat” being studied, watched and tested. Every move I made was recorded and my memory was tested along with how I did things. Even the way I ate was scrutinized. I felt like I was always kept in a confused state of mind. However even with all this going on, I threw myself into the recovery part and tried to ignore the distractions that were set before me. I worked the NA program to the best of my abilities however the addiction and sinning part were only a small part of my recovery. The biggest problem was my psychosis. I’m having a hard time remembering the month of April.
I got out of there and have still been struggling with the feelings of suspicion, fear, anger and frustration to name a few. I also suffer from jealousy about my husband. My husband and I have been together for 28 years, and I trust him with my life! However these days he’s gotten more comfortable with lying to me and talking to other women. I understand that these issues lie under serenity and accepting the things I can not change, but it’s harder done than said. Every morning I ask God to take these feelings from me because I don’t want them. I want to live a happy life with him and in order to do that I have to accept the “new” him as is.
I also struggle with self worth, self confidence and the ability to love and accept myself for who I am. I’ve done a lot of unforgivable things in my life and I feel guilty and shame for them.
I refuse to give up trying to get to “the promised land” so with your support and encouragement, I will continue on my path to what my husband and I call “The Real Deal”