Yesterday was a difficult day for me – my husband has sworn that he doesn’t have secret email accounts or chat apps – but when I down loaded “hangouts” (a chat app) his email showed up as having an account on there – then he said that he didn’t have an iCloud email account and said to send him an email to that address as proof that it wasn’t an email address and it never showed up anywhere so I believed him – now to back track a little bit, I’ve believed that he’s been forwarding his emails to secret email accounts to which he has denied doing – well last night he said he got an email from me on his main gmail email address – when I looked at it, it was the email I had sent to his iCloud account – when I pointed out that it was the email I had sent to his iCloud account, he became defensive and went to his “go to” answers of “I don’t know” and “I don’t remember” which just frustrated me more.
Since leaving treatment, I have not had any cravings of wanting to use, but last night I wanted to smoke a bowl so bad or take pills that would put me to sleep for awhile just to “escape” the feelings of confusion, hurt, fear, suspicion, frustration and anxiety I was feeling. I decided to take a bath instead and listen to some music as a result I went to bed sober and am glad I didn’t have access to the things I mentioned.
I’ve prayed every day for God to take these negative feelings away from me cause I don’t want them – I want to be happy and support my husband in any and every way possible. I want to trust him like I did before. I want to love him and myself as much as I ever have. 28 years together is worth fighting for and I refuse to give up or give in.
May today be better!!
God – Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change. The Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference