Isolation

Lately I’ve been feeling isolated from the world. I feel like my husband is keeping secrets from me. I feel like “someone” is teeming track of me and my internet use. I feel like my home phone and my cell phone use is being recorded and monitored. I feel like the TV is sending out messages only my husband and daughter understand.

Everyone on my cell phone is also being monitored such as this very blog site, my emails, what music I listen to, what Bluetooth devices I hook up to, my emails, my texts, what sites I visit on the internet, my Pinterest, my instagram, my twitter, my App Store purchases, what pictures I take and which of them I delete, all of this is being monitored.

Yesterday I went through my husbands emails, and there was an email he kept from his “FarmersOnly” account that he said he deleted. There were a few other “sketchy” meals too. I tried to delete them but they got sent to a “phantom” account instead. So I marked them all as “unread” and he when he saw this he became angry and said “I keep these emails on purpose” So I ask you, why does he need these emails? What is he holding on to? 

Then I looked at his iBooks app and there I found a pre-written “code” that would just need a few peramitors set and it would be simple to deploy. I left that one open so he knew that I’d seen it, but I can’t talk or ask him about any of it because all he’ll do is deny deny deny, lie lie lie. I already know his answer to these questions….His usual “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember” so I’ll just keep my mouth shut and let him live in his lies and secrecy. I can’t control him or what he does, I can only control myself and how I react to his bullshit. And I’m about fed up with it all!!

I really don’t know where to go with all this. Sometimes I just wanna give up and let go and just leave so he doesn’t have to lie anymore, but other times I just wanna “turn a blind eye” and just be happy with him. I’m confused by my feelings. This is when I need to turn to my HP and let God!! So I’ll say a little prayer, go for a walk and see what comes to me.

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