Newness

There’s something special about getting new things. Most women prefer flowers or jewelry. But for me its electronics that excite me. I’m typing today on a new laptop and am enjoying it. It’s so much easier than using my thumbs on my phone. This is what’s called the “Honeymoon” phase. I’m sure the newness will wear off in time. So for now I’m gonna enjoy my new toy.

Speaking of honeymoon phases. It’s been a hard couple of days. Hubby and I have been going round and round. I’ve only been out of treatment/rehab for a month today. Today marks my 2 month anniversary of being sober, so its still new to both him and I. We are still “feeling each other out”. I don’t think he’s used to my new strength, and I’m still trying to find myself and make things work with him. I just didn’t think the honeymoon would be over so soon. And for the most part its not. We makeup and forgive quickly, thank God for that much. There are still things about him that frustrate me.

It has been my belief that he’s “keeping tabs” on me. He denies it but there are things on his devices that tell a different story. For instance, I had an email address that I never used, but once he found out about it, I found a link to it on his analytics on his phone with a code written to forward my emails to his address. He also has a “hangouts” account that he denies setting up. His version of the truth is that it got set up automatically when he set up his e-mail address. These are just a couple of examples, there’s much more to the story. However whenever I ask about these things his responses are, and I quote, “I don’t remember”, “I don’t know”, “what does it matter”, and “why do you care”. Obviously these answers don’t help the situation nor do they put my mind at ease. Then he becomes defensive and irate and yells at me saying things like “you’re fucking crazy” and “its all in your head”. The last argument we had a couple nights ago he went as far as telling me to leave for a while. When we calmed down, I told him that if he ever tells me to leave again, that I will and not look back.

Even with all this turmoil going on, I have not had a craving to use. I’ve maintained my sobriety and I’m very happy about that. I thank God for my sober friends. They understand that I’m at a crossroads of sorts in my new life. They understand what I’m going through because they have either been there or are there now.

I just hope that hubby and I can get through this together and come out on the other end happy and thriving since I’m still working through some mental illness issues and trying to accept hubby the way he is now.

Thanks be to GOD!

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