It’s time to be honest with myself and my HP. I can’t fix the past nor can I control anyone but myself. I need to set my husband free to do what he’s going to do. 

I’ve done horrible things to him, I’ve cheated and I’ve lied. I’ve put him through hell and I know he’s still trying to come to terms with the things I’ve done. I was able to talk to clergy and get forgiveness from my HP. He has not done this and I need to understand that his coping mechanisms are not at the level that I’ve achieved. I’ve asked him several times to go to counseling with me and he’s always refused saying that it wouldn’t help. I’ve also asked several times for him to open up to me and instead he turned to my “BFF”. That stings a lot. I also found his GF (some chick he’d been texting with) on hangouts so now I’m sick to my stomach thinking about what they might have been talking about. I know that it would have only been chat, but he’s an emotional guy so in my mind, it was an emotional connection that he would have had with her and he wouldn’t tell me about that part because he believes that “it’s only cheating if you get caught” 

So now I’m having a hard time trusting anything he says because I know he’s good at hiding things and if I try to talk to him about it he’ll just turn it around and say that it’s in my head and he doesn’t have anymore answers for me. He’s admitted to talking to his GF at least once behind my back, but he deleted those conversations too so I’ll never know if it was innocent or not and it’s not like he’ll admit to anything. 

I told him yesterday that from now on he should do his own thing and I’ll do mine and it didn’t phase him, he didn’t comment on it other than to ask what I was going to do. I was honest and told him I didn’t know what I was going to do. 

I’ve atoned for my transgressions, I only hope that someday he’ll do the same.

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