I know I keep going back and forth on the whole husband keeping secrets issue. When you suffer from mental issues like I do, its hard to make up your mind. I say “your mind” like I have control over what my thoughts and emotions are. I find that every day poses a new challenge. I’ve only been out of rehab for about 5 weeks now and I’m still having issues taking each day one at a time. I’m finding that mornings are easier for me, maybe because I haven’t had time to “think” much and by the afternoon and evening my emotional side seems to come out and then the thoughts start. And as any addict will tell you, we all have a “thinking problem”.
For me its thoughts of being left out, of not being in the loop of things. Addicts also suffer from control issues. We want to control everything in our lives and yours as well. Learning how to give up that control is a very hard thing for us to do. The Serenity prayer tells us to accept these things we can not change, but we still try to make things go our way. We don’t care if it is a square peg that we are trying to pound into a round hole. Our insanity drives us to keep pounding away with no results. It takes a lot of patients not only on our part but for the people around us as well to take these days one at a time. Sometimes we need to put ourselves in time out so we can think about what we’ve done. The key is to not spend too much time dwelling on these thoughts. Sometimes we need to take the day a few hours at a time.
I’m finding that the more sleep and rest I can get, the better I feel. I’ve been trying to take a nap during the day and get a full 8 hours at night. I feel the cobwebs in my brain clear out some days, and others not so much. I feel bad for my husband with my ups and downs being severe in the evenings. He has infinite patience with me, and I’m very thankful for that.